in bad taste


There once was a guy who wanted to know what two plus two was equal to. He could remember the answer he had been given at school but he wondered if it really was as simple as the teacher had said. His next door neighbour was a mathematician so he thought maybe he should be able to dispel any doubts he had.

He asked the mathematician, “What exactly is two plus two equal to?”.

“Four”, said the mathematician.

“Are you sure?”, he said.

“Absolutely”, said the mathematician.

“All the time?”, asked the guy.

“All the time”, reassured the mathematician.

The guy went away feeling happy with the answer he had heard.

However, as the days passed he began to think more deeply about the mathematician’s answer, maybe it would be a good idea to get a second opinion.

He knew accountants dealt with numbers so surely an accountant would know the answer to his question so he went down the high street until he spotted an accountant’s office.

He asked the accountant, “What exactly is two plus two equal to?”.

“Well, round about four”, said the accountant.

“Are you sure?”, he said.

“More or less”, said the accountant, “but anything between three point six and four point four is near enough”.

“All the time?”, asked the guy.

“Well, sometimes it might be a bit less or more than that but most of the time between three point six and four point four”.

This was not the answer he had hoped for, which troubled him a little. After pondering over this he thought it might be good idea to see a lawyer.

He asked the lawyer, “What exactly is two plus two equal to?”.

The lawyer sat up and looked around the room. He walked quietly to the door, opened it sharply and then looked out down the corridor. After he closed and turned the key in the door he stepped over to the window and pulled the curtains closed. Then he returned to his chair, put his hands together, smiled and asked, “What exactly would you like it to equal?”.

Once upon a time, many years ago, in the East, there lived an Emperor. He was a very wealthy and happy man. He had six hundred wives who had borne him many children and he loved them all. All his children were girls and so he had no heir, which was perhaps the one thing in life which disappointed him. So imagine his surprise and delight when, one day, one of his wives presented him with a new-born son.

Over the years he watched his little boy grow and became increasingly devoted to him. Just before his son’s fifth birthday he took him to one side and said, “Son, you are the joy of my life, I cannot do enough for you. What would you like? Say what you want and you shall have it”.

The boy replied, “Daddy, I’d like an aeroplane”.

So the Emperor, who was not stuck for cash and not wishing to do things by halves, bought Delta Airlines.

As his son grew the Emperor loved him all the more and when his sixth birthday approached the Emperor took him to one side and said, “Son, you are a delight to behold, nothing is too much for you. What would you like? Say what you want and you shall have it”,

to which the boy replied, “Daddy, I’d like a car”.

So the Emperor, not wishing to do things by halves, bought General Motors.

The boy grew bigger and stronger each day and ever-more wonderful in the eyes of the Emperor so, before his son’s seventh birthday, the Emperor took him to one side and said, “Son, you are the apple of my eye, you cannot imagine the happiness you give to me. What can I give you? Say what you want and you shall have it”.

The boy replied, “Daddy, I’d like to see a film”.

So the Emperor, not wishing to do things by halves, bought the MGM studios and the rights to all the films produced there.

Nearing his son’s eighth birthday the Emperor took him in hand and said, “Son, you are an inspiration to us all, what can I do for you? Say what you want and you shall have it”.

The boy had been watching western movies for the previous year so it should be no surprise that he replied, “Daddy, I’d like a cowboy outfit”.

So the Emperor, not wishing to do things by halves, bought Halliburton.

Bicycle curves do not sag.

Bicycles don’t care if you have ridden other bicycles.

You don’t have to take a shower before you go riding.

You can go cycling at any time.

You can borrow your friend’s bicycle.

Bicycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.

If you say anything bad to your bicycle you don’t have to say you’re sorry before you go riding again.

When you go riding the bicycle wears the rubber, not you.

You can keep cycling until you are sore.

If you get a new bicycle you don’t have to keep sending money to the old one.

Is this divine guidance/inspiration? I was looking at the log of hits for the blog the other day and saw one or two that had arrived via Google searches. Out of curiosity I did equivalent searches using the same criteria as the original visitors, just to see what they had been looking for and might have found. One had been looking for ‘CO2’ ‘absorption’ and something else, which I can’t remember, and it produced the usual list of websites relating to climate change, ozone layers, carbon dioxide, etc plus a little gem near the bottom of the first page which was something about carbonating beer. This was a website advertising [Heath Robinson style] equipment for carbonating beer on the cheap. Almost instantly the penny dropped; here is the answer to all our climate problems. Suck the CO2 out of the atmosphere, carbonate the booze with it and let the binge drinkers swallow it!

 

 

  1. What is the difference between France and America?

  1. France has a President who speaks fluent English.

It’s all gotta go, the items that have the country at fever pitch.

Government Lie Detector Unit: Electric model. Attractive soft, dark brown surface with consistent faecal odor. Red light flashes when the government is lying about the H5N1 figures. To deactivate red light, unplug unit.

Rubber Face Masks. Don’t be fooled by standard masks with pores the size of an army of viruses. Get these poreless, peerless models. Includes frowny-faces so that you can blend in with the general populace.

6-pack Vinegar. Out they go. Medicinal value indicated by recent sales in the millions of bottles. Those viruses won’t want to know you after you down a good vinegar six-pack.

Whito Bleach. The latest fragrance in these rapidly changing times. Don’t be left out. Spray it on household items; the car; even apply to bodily extremities before making love. Guaranteed to suppress libido and thus minimize transmission opportunities.

Influenza Carrier Detector Unit. Insert up anus of suspected ‘flu carrier. The model that took San Francisco by storm.

Panic Instruction Manual. How to save face by panicking along with the rest of the general population. Don’t appear relaxed when you can join the frenzy. Fully illustrated with appropriate facial expressions of sentient anguish.

The Layman’s Guide To Bird Flu Statistics. Beautifully illustrated with exaggerated and frightening images of death by pestilence. All avian ‘flu figures in exaggerated size 68 font to make them look bigger than what they really are, as requested by 98% of men on the street. If you cannot justify your current sense of terror, this is the manual for you. Essential bed-time readings. Editor’s note: All competing data which might suggest that H5N1 is anything less than the Apocalypse have been respectfully removed to avoid embarrassment for the masses.

Fear Registration Unit. Feeling frustrated because you are feeling relaxed and apathetic while all your friends are in various states of apoplectic terror? The Fear Registration Unit is the answer. Alerts you when levels of adrenalin and cortisone in the brain fall below critical levels, with a violent blow to the parietal lobe (i.e. the back of your head). Don’t let your apathy kill you at a time when panic is the only socially acceptable option.

The Rumour Generator: Don’t be left out at parties when that extrovert has the audience transfixed with anecdotes of our impending doom, government conspiracies and Beijing Hospital backroom gossip. Self-generating and fully automatic, this compact unit includes such popular options as: What happens when they quarantine Beijing/Shanghai/Guangzhou?; They’re burning thousands of ‘flu corpses behind Beijing Military hospital ; and The government already knows about it. Sorry, numbers are strictly unlimited.

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